A wave of light

I put my candle on my kitchen window, I looked at it while I was preparing dinner, I couldn’t help crying.

On June 17 my husband and I went to the ER, I was bleeding and I knew what was happening. My husband was confident that everything would be ok, I had some bleeding when I was pregnant with my daughter so he assumed it would be the same. I knew it was different, I just knew.

That very night I miscarried.

I never felt so alone in my whole life, everybody was trying to cheer me up, saying that it was for the better or that I should try for another baby immediately or that it wasn’t even a baby yet.

It was. HE was, he was MY baby. And all I wanted was to cry and talk about him, I needed sympathy, not words.

Finally I met a mom who had two miscarriages and that day we talked and talked and talked about our babies, those babies who are our children but we will never hold, cuddle, feed.  And I felt relieved, relieved that I could talk about him and that somebody could understand how I felt. Today I lighted a candle for my baby. It’s on the kitchen window.

On Thursday October 17, exactly four months later, we are starting a course to become foster parents.

I don’t know if there will be another baby in my life, a sibling for my sweet little girl. But I know that we are a family, a beautiful family, and we have each other and we have so much to give. I don’t know if I will be a mom again but this house will see many many children for years to come, that’s for sure.

If you want to know more about the Baby Loss awareness, you can go here.

“October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day across the world. We would like to invite you to take part in the global ‘Wave of Light’. Simply light a candle at 7pm and leave it burning for at least 1 hour to join us in remembering all babies that have died during pregnancy, at, during or after birth.
This can be done individually or in a group, at home or in a communal space. Wherever you do this, you will be joining a global wave of light in memory of all the babies who lit up our lives for such a short time.”